I wanna passion pit in your ass
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
