Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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