I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
