Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
