a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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