I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
