Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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