Say something about gay babies.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
