he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
