There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I need to sanitize my soul.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
