I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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