just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
