well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
