You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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