The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I did not marry a roomba.
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