you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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