loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
