don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
