Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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