i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
