Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
