Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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