A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
