just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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