my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
