apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
