how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
