I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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