Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
