I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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