I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
