I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
