dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
