I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
