Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
True but thats because hes a fetus.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
