She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This is classic penis vs brain.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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