note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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