How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
