He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
