I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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