Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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