Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
