do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
