i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
