Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
