youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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