My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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