I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
