The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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