Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
