It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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