I CAN MOONWALK!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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